did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
