Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
