Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
