i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
