So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
