I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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