Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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