If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
