I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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