Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
