Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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