I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
