I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
where are my eyebrows?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
