I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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