I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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