im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
