I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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