Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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