I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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