Please, let me fuck your mom
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
