He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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