Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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