im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
