clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
