May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
