College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
