I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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