Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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