I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
