He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
