I think im going to throw up on grandma
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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