there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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