I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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