Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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