I accidentally had phone sex last night
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
