I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
