I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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