this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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