i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
