so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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