My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
