His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize