She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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