the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
