Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
