My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
