it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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