Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
