Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There are leaves in my underwear?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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