mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
