I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
