you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
