Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
