Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
