Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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